Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I Hate: Juggalo's and Juggalettes


INTRO: Sorry for being a day late with this post, but working can be a bitch, Ya Heard!  Today we move on to Juggalo's. Are these people for real or what?  For those who do not know what a Juggalo or Juggalette is. They are followers of the Insane Clown Posse (The worst music I have ever embarked my ears upon) The majority of the fans are white trash and have no real life aspirations.  I know the hate mail may flood in over this post, but it has to be said and yes (to all juggalos who read) I am a fucking HATER!! Woop Woop that shit. 

Tank:  Why the hell do people follow this crap.  We all have things we believe in that others do not. We all have things we like and others do not. Seriously how the hell can anyone follow this garbage.  I know you call yourselves a family, but damn, this is the most inbred, hick form of a family I have ever seen.  You can type in Juggalo to the google search engine and instantly spot some of the most retarded people and forms of bacteria in the world.  I would honestly rather associate myself to the Bloods or some bullshit.

Some outsiders may classify Juggalos as goths, you cannot be any more wrong.  While goths do suck in their own existence, they are in no shape or form a juggalo.  Juggalos are not educated or willing to succeed in life.  Check out the nearest trailer park and you can see for yourself.  If you happen to see one, you will notice they have a certain distinct feature about all of them. Actually, I can give you about half a million features, but you may only need one.  The main feature is that they wear facepaint into any place they may roam.  This frightens children and cause old people to perish.  Juggalettes are often very fat or very skinny.  They drink Faygo all the time which carries the nutritional value of a baboon and often are on Meth or some sort of other narcotic.  If they are not on drugs, then they are in prison for drugs or they accidentally died while practicing Ninja stuff. 
If you happen to not care about juggalos, then I advise you still not because there is no sense in caring.  

Juggalos also often say the music has a positive message.  I cannot and will not agree with this statement.  99.9% of the songs are angry and violent and often refer to fucking dead people right after you had just killed them by taking a hatchet to their Larynx.  What kind of positive message is that?  They also profess that Christianity is their goal and to try and make Juggalos be Christians.  This is the most absurd thing I have ever heard in my lifetime of life.  Where in the Bible does it state to slice open someones throat with a meat clever and then shit in the hole.  I think it might have been in Exodus or something. Ezekiel may have done that right?
Mental retardation is a real disease and the FDA and other government agencies have actually declared Juggaloism to be a not so rare form of retardation.  Juggalo's also have a false sense of persecution that is entirely not supported by fact, but by lyrics of songs.  The average American does not know what a juggalo is and they also do not care, but for those who do know what they are, they are disliked and hated.  They are the stain in America's armpit.  Not like a yellow armpit stain, but more of a shit brown and it is all sticky and stuff. Faygo pop is very sticky and their bodies are 93 percent that shit.

I advise the public of the United States, if you happen to encounter a Juggalo or someone wearing clown makeup who is not tying Balloon animals, then please throw a brick at them and then run as fast as you can because they do not die that easily.  You may have to pour napalm on them to actually kill them. I am not really sure though.  Also, If you see a juggalo with a child, please call protective services immediately. Breeding among them is common as they may not know how to work a condom or birth control.
Well fans and foes, that was my 3 cents, so until next time this is Tank and Stay Healthy America.

Cactoid:  I just want to preface by saying to all mys lo's and lette's,  Whoop Whoop!  Just Kidding, I hate you.  

Dear Juggalos,
I have found many holes in your philosophy of life.  For starters I feel like I must address your use of "Shangri-la."  Unfortunately Shangri-la is not a concept that was discovered by you prophets Shaggy 2 dope and Violent J.  Shangri-la is however a fictinonal place from the novel Lost Horizon.  I do not claim to be an expert, but in my understanding of Shangri-la their was never any mention of physchopatic clowns, nor a dark carnvial.  

Secondly i would like to focus on your terrible nutrition and hygiene habits.  Unfortunately the trailer park food pyramid, consisting of 25-30 servings of Faygo a day, is not a very nutritional diet.  Faygo unfortunately is not a "miracle" elixir that grants everlasting life.  It is rather a combination of high fructose corn syrup, carbonated water, and dyes. I know crazy right?  Furthermore, Faygo is not interchangeable with baby formula.  That poor thing that was so un-blessed to have spured from your wrechted uterus is not a miracle, but rather a growing humanoid that needs proper nutrtion in order to develop.  Now i understand that Faygo is much cheaper then real food or baby formula, but that's what federal assistance is for.  Contrary to popular juggalo/lette belief federal assitance is to help keep you from starving to death in the back of single wide, rather then buying home made chemicals to start your meth producing enterprise.  Unfortuanetly the water company does not take food stamps for payment.  This does not give you a free pass to not shower, nor wash your clothes.  I understand that you want to preserve that second had "Great Milenko" shirt you just found at the good will, but your wicked clown bacteria will eventually overtake your shirt and your entire person if not cleaned.  That may even be what has infected your brain and turned it back to its pre-homosapien state.  While I'm on the subject of your de-evoled brain i would like to talk about your use of the english language.  

I have seen many of your hate letters and youtube comments, and i regret to inform you that the shorting of words or spelling them phonetically does not constitute the invention of a new language.  It also is not a reliable way for others to understand what you are preaching about.  Allow me to demonstrate:  I asl iz no relieable wy fo other 2 understantz wha u r preachin abot.   I do understand that many of you are middle school dropouts, but as i recall i learned the basic teneants of writing and speaking very early in my educational tenure.  It is this, far below basic grasp of language that makes me fear that my words will not be comprehended and thus fall on deaf ears.  Furthermore the constant usage of shit, fuck, bitch fucktards, hatez, motherfocka, and chickenhead does not assist you in your argument that you are not all inbred, ignorant, facepaint wearing, faygo drinking, obese, trailer park trash, that is just barely sustaining by sucking off the tit of the Federal goverment.  

In closing, as you read this for the third or fourth time to try and understand what bizarre language i am speaking, hold back your strong urge to "swing your hatchet into my juggala." Please understand that i am only writing this to help you in your quest to assimilate into the rest of the human race.  In no way am i condemning you for your terrible taste in music, but rather pointing out why people (like myself and tank) tend to despise you on a molecular level.  I only do this in hopes that you can take away from this a new outlook on life and maybe, just maybe finally pass that GED test. 

Sincerly and with wicked clown luv,
Cactoid

Ten ways to tell if there is a Juggalo in your presence.
10. Fat
9. Foul mixture of Faygo and BO emitting from their persons 
8. Lack of knowledge in the science genre, or any genre for that matter
7. Chintzy hot topic bought jewelry displaying a crudely drawn man with a hatchet.
6. The use of profanity in non-profane situations.
5. Driving a dodge caravan
4. Probably under the age of 30, because when you hit that age as a juggalo you will be dead or changed
3. A very homoerotic obsession with all things carnival or clown related
2. Failed attempts at abortion by their parents. Look for Coat hanger scars on the skull or pectorals.
1. Over usage of their prostitute mothers makeup to resemble "Wicked Clownz"

Join us tomorrow as we discuss how magnets work. It is Science and not a fucking miracle. We are kidding, science is cool. Tomorrow's topic is of the Avian variety (For Juggalos, that means crazy mutha fuckin furry things in the sky or for the rest of us: BIRDS)

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