Intro: Welcome back to the Cactoid and Tank variety show, well blog. Today's utterly disgusting topic is birds. While this topic will not be as long and drawn out as yesterday, we will hit on why birds make up the worst of the worst when it comes to the animal kingdom. Tank will kick off the post with his rare and invigorated thoughts.
Tank: While I do love me some fried chicken, and some turkey and even a little duck now and again, I have to mention that they are all dead and not causing a nuisance among the human population. As for the ones flying around, thinking they are all big and bad in the air, Fuck you. What is up with their demeanor, they can shit wherever they please and have no qualms about it. You pay good money for a car wash, and what happens next is ridiculous. You pull out and boom goes the dynamite. Some damn blackbird just dumped a chlamydia filled shit on you perfectly clean car. They seem to only do this to a clean car. Why can't they shit on it before you take it to the car wash.
Another thing about birds is why the hell do they sing in the morning. Some of you assholes find this to be beautiful, but in turn they are chanting a war cry before their hostile takeover. Ever seen the Birds by Alfred Hitchcock? That shit is for real. They will takeover and harass everything. Why do birds suddenly appear? Fuck that song, it is terrible and causes bleeding ulcers.
So your sitting out on your porch, smoking a cigarette or drinking a cup and all of a sudden you see a group of birds nearby just chilling in the tree or on the telephone wire. They look all innocent and shit, but they are devising a plan and causing such a ruckus in doing so. They have their little beady eyes just mocking our very existence. Seagulls are punk ass bitches too. I was eating a very good sandwich once and the next thing I knew a gull swooped down and snatched that shit. Damn bird stealing my bacon. Birds start chirping at like 4 in the morning and wake my ass up and stuff and then I am cranky and then the wife is cranky that I am cranky and then the day is ruined and I cannot even poop without being irritated and it all started because of the Damn birds singing their precious little melodies. It is the same damn tune all morning. Why can't birds sing some Lady Gaga or some shit instead of that Disney sounding garbage they carry on with. If you are going to be a bird, at least step outside the box.
Lastly, If I was dead in a jungle, I would not want some vulture eating my dead ass up. I would rather be eaten by a Jaguar or even a sloth, but for a bird to do it,, damn that's retarded ass shit. If you have a pet bird, go eat a jar of Vaseline, except Uncle Larry and Aunt Lynn, while I do hate your bird, you also have a dog, which will put the bird in its place, so you are cool in my book, but anyone else with a bird, you better let it go or I am bringing over a cat.
That is my 3 cents for the day about birds and this is Tank, so Stay Healthy America and screw off PETA if you dislike my bird argument.
Cactoid: Birds. Where do i even start with these most evil of all creatures. Creatures so evil that Alfred Hitchcock was so compelled to have an entire horror film dedicated to them. May i remind you that these birds were not gigantic, talon armed creatures, but rather your everyday run of the mill birds. First lets start with the fact these feathered, vile creatures carry STDs in their feces. You may say nay! That cannot possibly be true, but with a just a little bit of research you'll find that birds carry chlamydia in there shit pipes. Another little tid bit about birds is that they, like rats, have no controls over their bowels. So we effectively have the equivalent of a feathered Paris Hilton with puss dispensing, chlamydia filled, vagina flying around us at all times. If destroying your gentials isn't enough, birds may also just end your life.
Imagine this: After years of saving and going without you finally have saved up enough money to put your 100 percent, real life, useful French degree to the test in, the city of love, Paris. You've spent weeks brushing up your verbs and adverbs just so you can douchely order a crossiant, in French, with the one friend you convinced to go with you. Tray's in the upright position, your Mp3 player annoyingly blaring french bands that no one cares about, and your ready to go. Then, like like a strategically planned attack, a group of geese fly directly into the planes turbine. Unfortunately for you there will not be a landing in the Hudson river you, you are 20,000 feet over the Atlantic. As fast as you can say "Au revoir," you are fin. As a Mako shark is chopping on your dead pretentious body you only have Donald Duck to blame. Birds grounding planes is not an isolated instance. In 2007, their was 7, 439 attacks on aircraft by these winged devils. That's 7,435 more planes then Al Qaida high jacked in 2001! Whether this is just due to pure stupidity or revenge for putting Alka Seltzer in pieces of bread as yet to be determined.
In Conclusion, I fucking hate birds.
So there you have it, birds are not useful in this society and they are not moral. Birds Suck ASS!!!
Join us tomorrow for Who Gives a Fuck Friday! Where we just don't give a darn!!!!!
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