Who Gives a Fuck Friday!

Welcome to We Do Not Give A Fuck Friday! Tank will go ahead and bring things to a head. (With a Hammer)


Tank:  I do not really have a specific topic in mind for today so I am just blasting some things I do not really care for at all.


Are you ever just sitting at a Red light waiting to turn left and notice that your blinker makes this god awful noise? Why the hell do car makers install blinker systems with so much noise. It is enough to make someone jump off a bridge or something. That is one thing I hate, blinker noises.


Well that was gay! wasn't it? Anyways, there are many things in this world that irritate me. Many people ask if I have problems with hate or am I evil? Well no, I just find typing this down allows me to vent off a lot of steam. The one thing I hate is when someone tries to diagnose why I write things I hate. This befuddles me to an extent and I wonder who the Hell are you to think I am depressed or morbid or some shit.  I am completely fine, my writing is a way to get frustrations out without socking some dude in their mouth.  


Well that was also boring as hell so I digress.  I hate when celebrities have gay names when they are together.  For example, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. They go by Bennifer. This is real fucking stupid and it absolutely makes no sense. Even worse is when the TV is stuck on Extra or some stupid show with Ryan Seacrest and they say that name instead of their real names. Ryan Seacrest is a total tool as well. The worst is when they have segment about things that no one in their right mind gives a damn about.  Who cares if Paula Abdul is using Herbal Essences or some shit. I use Suave for men. I also do not care who shops where, or what kind of clothing they wear. The only thing I care about from celebrities is if they make a good show, movie or music. That is it! Plain and fucking simple. I share these thoughts with about everyone who is relevant in this world. The only celebrities that make sense are Gary Busey, Steve Buscemi and that guy that hosted Let's Make a Deal back in the Day. 


Well I am tired so I am going to go have a cigarette and then pee so I will pass this shit over to my Hombre and stuff, but remember Stay Healthy America and do not smoke Cigarettes, only I am allowed.

 I Hate: Highly Visible Tattoos

Cactoid:


Individuality is something that everyone of us strive for whether we actively think about it or not.  This may through your clothing, car, hair color, etc.  The problem is that some tend to step over the line and rather then be an individual they just become lumped together, as a group for some asshole with a blog.  I'm that asshole, so everyone with a highly visible tattoo's (One that can't be covered unless wearing a turtle neck or a face mask) your a douche.  There is plenty of skin on your buddy that is dying for an Donald humping Minnie tattoo, but your face unfortunately is not it.  By putting something you'll regret when your sober in such a highly visible place you are basically marking yourself.  You've have just marked yourself as a potential non-candidate for just about every career.  If your goal in life is to be a carnie and touch kids behind the tilt-a-whirl then your in the clear.  If you have any other non-pedophiliac aspirations, then your fucked.  It's not that the scorpion under your eye means your a bad person to a potential employer, but rather you have just put a sign on you face that says, "Makes terrible life choices."  Trust me if you decided to put a tattoo in a completely non hide-able place this is not the first nor last bad life choice you'll make.  It will continue until your life is nothing but a blur of alcohol, drugs, and drug dealer wangs.  Eventually you'll find yourself on the street with a stupid sign that says "Will do radio voice for a dollar."  

I hate: Birds

 

 Intro:  Welcome back to the Cactoid and Tank variety show, well blog. Today's utterly disgusting topic is birds. While this topic will not be as long and drawn out as yesterday, we will hit on why birds make up the worst of the worst when it comes to the animal kingdom. Tank will kick off the post with his rare and invigorated thoughts. 

Tank: While I do love me some fried chicken, and some turkey and even a little duck now and again, I have to mention that they are all dead and not causing a nuisance among the human population. As for the ones flying around, thinking they are all big and bad in the air, Fuck you. What is up with their demeanor, they can shit wherever they please and have no qualms about it.  You pay good money for a car wash, and what happens next is ridiculous.  You pull out and boom goes the dynamite. Some damn blackbird just dumped a chlamydia filled shit on you perfectly clean car.  They seem to only do this to a clean car. Why can't they shit on it before you take it to the car wash.

Another thing about birds is why the hell do they sing in the morning. Some of you assholes find this to be beautiful, but in turn they are chanting a war cry before their hostile takeover.  Ever seen the Birds by Alfred Hitchcock? That shit is for real. They will takeover and harass everything.  Why do birds suddenly appear? Fuck that song, it is terrible and causes bleeding ulcers.  

So your sitting out on your porch, smoking a cigarette or drinking a cup and all of a sudden you see a group of birds nearby just chilling in the tree or on the telephone wire. They look all innocent and shit, but they are devising a plan and causing such a ruckus in doing so.  They have their little beady eyes just mocking our very existence. Seagulls are punk ass bitches too. I was eating a very good sandwich once and the next thing I knew a gull swooped down and snatched that shit. Damn bird stealing my bacon.   Birds start chirping at like 4 in the morning and wake my ass up and stuff and then I am cranky and then the wife is cranky that I am cranky and then the day is ruined and I cannot even poop without being irritated and it all started because of the Damn birds singing their precious little melodies. It is the same damn tune all morning. Why can't birds sing some Lady Gaga or some shit instead of that Disney sounding garbage they carry on with. If you are going to be a bird, at least step outside the box.

Lastly, If I was dead in a jungle, I would not want some vulture eating my dead ass up. I would rather be eaten by a Jaguar or even a sloth, but for a bird to do it,, damn that's retarded ass shit. If you have a pet bird, go eat a jar of Vaseline, except Uncle Larry and Aunt Lynn, while I do hate your bird, you also have a dog, which will put the bird in its place, so you are cool in my book, but anyone else with a bird, you better let it go or I am bringing over a cat. 

That is my 3 cents for the day about birds and this is Tank, so Stay Healthy America and screw off PETA if you dislike my bird argument.

Cactoid:  Birds.  Where do i even start with these most evil of all creatures.  Creatures so evil that Alfred Hitchcock was so compelled to have an entire horror film dedicated to them.  May i remind you that these birds were not gigantic, talon armed creatures, but rather your everyday run of the mill birds.    First lets start with the fact these feathered, vile creatures carry STDs in their feces.  You may say nay!  That cannot possibly be true, but with a just a little bit of research you'll find that birds carry chlamydia in there shit pipes.  Another little tid bit about birds is that they, like rats, have no controls over their bowels.  So we effectively have the equivalent of a feathered Paris Hilton with puss dispensing, chlamydia filled, vagina flying around us at all times.  If destroying your gentials isn't enough, birds may also just end your life.

Imagine this:  After years of saving and going without you finally have saved up enough money to  put your 100 percent, real life, useful French degree to the test in, the city of love, Paris.  You've spent weeks brushing up your verbs and adverbs just so you can douchely order a crossiant, in French, with the one friend you convinced to go with you.  Tray's in the upright position, your Mp3 player annoyingly blaring french bands that no one cares about, and your ready to go.  Then, like like a strategically planned attack, a group of geese fly directly into the planes turbine.  Unfortunately for you there will not be a landing in the Hudson river you, you are 20,000 feet over the Atlantic.  As fast as you can say "Au revoir," you are fin.  As a Mako shark is chopping on your dead pretentious body you only have Donald Duck to blame.  Birds grounding planes is not an isolated instance.  In 2007, their was 7, 439 attacks on aircraft by these winged devils.  That's 7,435 more planes then Al Qaida high jacked in 2001!  Whether this is just due to pure stupidity or revenge for putting Alka Seltzer in pieces of bread as yet to be determined.

In Conclusion, I fucking hate birds.

So there you have it, birds are not useful in this society and they are not moral. Birds Suck ASS!!! 

Join us tomorrow for Who Gives a Fuck Friday! Where we just don't give a darn!!!!!

I Hate: Juggalo's and Juggalettes

 

INTRO: Sorry for being a day late with this post, but working can be a bitch, Ya Heard!  Today we move on to Juggalo's. Are these people for real or what?  For those who do not know what a Juggalo or Juggalette is. They are followers of the Insane Clown Posse (The worst music I have ever embarked my ears upon) The majority of the fans are white trash and have no real life aspirations.  I know the hate mail may flood in over this post, but it has to be said and yes (to all juggalos who read) I am a fucking HATER!! Woop Woop that shit. 

Tank:  Why the hell do people follow this crap.  We all have things we believe in that others do not. We all have things we like and others do not. Seriously how the hell can anyone follow this garbage.  I know you call yourselves a family, but damn, this is the most inbred, hick form of a family I have ever seen.  You can type in Juggalo to the google search engine and instantly spot some of the most retarded people and forms of bacteria in the world.  I would honestly rather associate myself to the Bloods or some bullshit.

Some outsiders may classify Juggalos as goths, you cannot be any more wrong.  While goths do suck in their own existence, they are in no shape or form a juggalo.  Juggalos are not educated or willing to succeed in life.  Check out the nearest trailer park and you can see for yourself.  If you happen to see one, you will notice they have a certain distinct feature about all of them. Actually, I can give you about half a million features, but you may only need one.  The main feature is that they wear facepaint into any place they may roam.  This frightens children and cause old people to perish.  Juggalettes are often very fat or very skinny.  They drink Faygo all the time which carries the nutritional value of a baboon and often are on Meth or some sort of other narcotic.  If they are not on drugs, then they are in prison for drugs or they accidentally died while practicing Ninja stuff. 

If you happen to not care about juggalos, then I advise you still not because there is no sense in caring.  

Juggalos also often say the music has a positive message.  I cannot and will not agree with this statement.  99.9% of the songs are angry and violent and often refer to fucking dead people right after you had just killed them by taking a hatchet to their Larynx.  What kind of positive message is that?  They also profess that Christianity is their goal and to try and make Juggalos be Christians.  This is the most absurd thing I have ever heard in my lifetime of life.  Where in the Bible does it state to slice open someones throat with a meat clever and then shit in the hole.  I think it might have been in Exodus or something. Ezekiel may have done that right?

Mental retardation is a real disease and the FDA and other government agencies have actually declared Juggaloism to be a not so rare form of retardation.  Juggalo's also have a false sense of persecution that is entirely not supported by fact, but by lyrics of songs.  The average American does not know what a juggalo is and they also do not care, but for those who do know what they are, they are disliked and hated.  They are the stain in America's armpit.  Not like a yellow armpit stain, but more of a shit brown and it is all sticky and stuff. Faygo pop is very sticky and their bodies are 93 percent that shit.

I advise the public of the United States, if you happen to encounter a Juggalo or someone wearing clown makeup who is not tying Balloon animals, then please throw a brick at them and then run as fast as you can because they do not die that easily.  You may have to pour napalm on them to actually kill them. I am not really sure though.  Also, If you see a juggalo with a child, please call protective services immediately. Breeding among them is common as they may not know how to work a condom or birth control.

Well fans and foes, that was my 3 cents, so until next time this is Tank and Stay Healthy America.

Cactoid:  I just want to preface by saying to all mys lo's and lette's,  Whoop Whoop!  Just Kidding, I hate you.  

Dear Juggalos,

I have found many holes in your philosophy of life.  For starters I feel like I must address your use of "Shangri-la."  Unfortunately Shangri-la is not a concept that was discovered by you prophets Shaggy 2 dope and Violent J.  Shangri-la is however a fictinonal place from the novel Lost Horizon.  I do not claim to be an expert, but in my understanding of Shangri-la their was never any mention of physchopatic clowns, nor a dark carnvial.  

Secondly i would like to focus on your terrible nutrition and hygiene habits.  Unfortunately the trailer park food pyramid, consisting of 25-30 servings of Faygo a day, is not a very nutritional diet.  Faygo unfortunately is not a "miracle" elixir that grants everlasting life.  It is rather a combination of high fructose corn syrup, carbonated water, and dyes. I know crazy right?  Furthermore, Faygo is not interchangeable with baby formula.  That poor thing that was so un-blessed to have spured from your wrechted uterus is not a miracle, but rather a growing humanoid that needs proper nutrtion in order to develop.  Now i understand that Faygo is much cheaper then real food or baby formula, but that's what federal assistance is for.  Contrary to popular juggalo/lette belief federal assitance is to help keep you from starving to death in the back of single wide, rather then buying home made chemicals to start your meth producing enterprise.  Unfortuanetly the water company does not take food stamps for payment.  This does not give you a free pass to not shower, nor wash your clothes.  I understand that you want to preserve that second had "Great Milenko" shirt you just found at the good will, but your wicked clown bacteria will eventually overtake your shirt and your entire person if not cleaned.  That may even be what has infected your brain and turned it back to its pre-homosapien state.  While I'm on the subject of your de-evoled brain i would like to talk about your use of the english language.  

I have seen many of your hate letters and youtube comments, and i regret to inform you that the shorting of words or spelling them phonetically does not constitute the invention of a new language.  It also is not a reliable way for others to understand what you are preaching about.  Allow me to demonstrate:  I asl iz no relieable wy fo other 2 understantz wha u r preachin abot.   I do understand that many of you are middle school dropouts, but as i recall i learned the basic teneants of writing and speaking very early in my educational tenure.  It is this, far below basic grasp of language that makes me fear that my words will not be comprehended and thus fall on deaf ears.  Furthermore the constant usage of shit, fuck, bitch fucktards, hatez, motherfocka, and chickenhead does not assist you in your argument that you are not all inbred, ignorant, facepaint wearing, faygo drinking, obese, trailer park trash, that is just barely sustaining by sucking off the tit of the Federal goverment.  

In closing, as you read this for the third or fourth time to try and understand what bizarre language i am speaking, hold back your strong urge to "swing your hatchet into my juggala." Please understand that i am only writing this to help you in your quest to assimilate into the rest of the human race.  In no way am i condemning you for your terrible taste in music, but rather pointing out why people (like myself and tank) tend to despise you on a molecular level.  I only do this in hopes that you can take away from this a new outlook on life and maybe, just maybe finally pass that GED test. 

Sincerly and with wicked clown luv,

Cactoid

Ten ways to tell if there is a Juggalo in your presence.

10. Fat

9. Foul mixture of Faygo and BO emitting from their persons 

8. Lack of knowledge in the science genre, or any genre for that matter

7. Chintzy hot topic bought jewelry displaying a crudely drawn man with a hatchet.

6. The use of profanity in non-profane situations.

5. Driving a dodge caravan

4. Probably under the age of 30, because when you hit that age as a juggalo you will be dead or changed

3. A very homoerotic obsession with all things carnival or clown related

2. Failed attempts at abortion by their parents. Look for Coat hanger scars on the skull or pectorals.

1. Over usage of their prostitute mothers makeup to resemble "Wicked Clownz"

Join us tomorrow as we discuss how magnets work. It is Science and not a fucking miracle. We are kidding, science is cool. Tomorrow's topic is of the Avian variety (For Juggalos, that means crazy mutha fuckin furry things in the sky or for the rest of us: BIRDS)

I Hate: Dodge Caravan

Tank: Welcome to the inaugural blog post from myself, Tank and my home skillet, Cactoid. The first article that draws my disdain is Dodge Caravans.  This vehicle is the prime example of white trash. If you happen to spot one in the lane next to you, or if your shopping at the local Wal-Mart, please use caution. these vehicles are notorious for having a pile of children entering and exiting as well impaired drivers.  When parked at the market, you may spot a Dodge Caravan in pretty much every aisle. The main focus is to not park in a spot next to them. The reasoning is that children will generally fight over who sits in front. This will lead to a tussle of sorts and then the front passenger door is flung wide open. This will CAUSE a nice dent in your car.  Pissing you OFF!!!!!!

When on the highway, also pay close attention to the vehicles next to you.  If you happen to spot a Dodge Caravan in a lane next to you. Please slow down and let them get ahead of you.  The purpose for doing so is that drivers of Dodge Caravans usually smoke cigarettes without rolling down the windows. This causes insane smoke inhalation and thus causing terrible conditions for the driver.  Smoke in the eyes is a real BITCH!  Not to mention screaming kids in the backseat fighting over who gets to spill all the damn Cheerios on the floor, which is left there for years on end. I think over time they may come alive or some bullshit. 

In closing, Dodge Caravans represent all that is wrong in trailer parks.  Usually behind the wheel is some white whore with 9 kids from 10 different daddies and uses all their welfare money on Meth and string cheese. Please do not take my word for it. Find out For yourself. this is Tank and stay healthy America!!!!!!!

Cactoid:
The Dodge Caravan, once a proud vehicle used by mothers to escort their beautiful little snot wagons to a fro soccer practice, has now become the international symbol for bad choices.  The combination of dodges low resale values and the seemingly endless supply has made this vehicle a perfect mode of transportation for teen moms and meth connoisseurs.  This moving trailer park is often spotted filled to the brim with unbuckled and unbridled future drains on society, and no less then four stickers displaying there every present hunger for terrible music (Often Nickelback, or more commonly The Insane Clown Posse).  Sometimes there may also be a faded relic of the Caravans former self denoting that it is carrying an honor student.  Do not be fooled, no one and i stress no one in that van has ever came close to receiving this highest of elementary school honors.  Another interesting fact about caravan is that I believe Goodyear stopped making the tires some years ago, because i have yet to spot one without at least one spare that is obviously being used way past its intended purposes.  These rolling symbols of trashdom also seem to have an impaired level of visibility.  Anytime one of them sneaks up behind me, while driving, they tend to be so close i can only surmise they are trying to erase their own miserable existence with my exhaust fumes.

In closing,
I DESPISE the dodge caravan and the inbred, single celled motorists that man them.  Its not so much that i despise the horrendous colors and shapes of these vehicles but rather what they have come to represent.  You may say "I'm a single mother and it's all i can afford!"  To which i reply "If you had pulled that crack pipe out of your mouth long enough to suck that parasite out of your uterus, you would not be in this predicament."

This message has been brought to you by Honda Odyssey and other non-white trash soccer mom vans.

Join us tomorrow, where we discuss the biggest stain on America. Juggalo's and Juggalettes